Emotional Business

The blood arrived. I just checked. It will go in a fridge now until Monday when they'll start the tests. Well on the road now to my ice baby.

At last week's marriage therapy the counsellor said she thought I could benefit from sessions by myself with someone new. Nat laughed all the way home "see there's nothing wrong with me! ha ha".

Went to see new woman this week - by god was I in a hurry. She was flippin' marvellous.

She said: "So neither of you know how to make eachother feel special anymore. You feel unloved. He feels loved simply for his sperm?"

It threw up something I'd never thought about so I asked the Prince. He said yes. But then he would wouldn't he. This is a little life line for him.

I don't know how to make him feel loved for anything other than that right now. Things have just gone too far inside the head. Am at a loss.

Talked about how to break up.

"You sit and establish the relationship is not working anymore - no one's fault, it's simply not. Then you take the emotion out and you treat it like a business. You work out how to divide your assets, the biggest of which is Rosie."

Felt calm after that. Put it to him this morning. I said, "come on, you can't honestly tell me you want to carry on like this - it's been going on for such a long time."

And he replied, "things have to get worse before they get better!"

"How much worse? they surely can't get any worse than they are now - we are cold strangers who never make love and both feel unloved."

Then Rosie came in and luckily for him the conversation drew to an end.

Seismic shifts

Lots going on in head. Confusion. Chaos. No calm round the corner.

Had the blood taken at a private hospital in Blackheath. Took it to post office - sent guaranteed next day delivery to Birmingham. Keep thinking of it sitting in some post bag getting all warm in the sun. It's supposed to go in a fridge when it gets there, til they can do the 'ovarian reserve' test, to see if I still have eggs in me.

Lots to talk about with the Prince but it's never the right time. I can't write my thoughts down honestly anymore because he could if he chose check a look at this, now he knows how to locate it. Funny that he doesn't.

Does he have any idea what seismic shifts are going on?

I think he wants to be alone with his books, newspapers, the Facebook girls, the stalker ex, the phone porn and have his independence with his old buddyroos. That's ok. I'm ready now. Is he?

Yoga and blood

God it's a bit scary all this. My GP said "we don't take blood for you to send off to some private practice" as if I was some Tory grandee.

Spent the day looking after two tiny sick kids, emailing a mass list of clients for a new and highly boring job and trying to establish just where the hell I'm going to get my blood taken.

It's supposed to be extracted on day 4,5 or 6 of my period and sent guaranteed next day delivery to the place in Birmingham to test immediately. Problem is day 4 is Friday, day 5 Saturday etc. So when are they going to do the tests? I don't want to wait another month... by then I might be infertile. My second hand is really loud and fast now.

Started a yoga class this week. It's all about slowing things down... the mind, the thinking, the breathing. The quiet came in waves - would stay for 5 seconds (if I was lucky) then be forced out by a whirlwind of heavy thought that set my heart racing.

In the end I found a private hospital in Blackheath that will take my blood for £13.50. I'll pop in after dropping off Rosie. It's in the same road as her nursery.

The Prince has gone to Sweden tonight for a job. Lovely and peaceful - no huffing and puffing, disgusting smells or tension. Bliss.

Ice Babies

Sorry for the details but it's day one of my period.

This means in three days time I will start the process of FREEZING MY EGGS... then one dayI might have my very own ice baby. Rosie will have an ice sister or brother. A whole clan of ice siblings.

Well c'mon you have to look on the bright side or you'd just keel over. It's the start of something good... the future's bright, the future's syringe.

Facebook Paranoia

God it helps having my efriend here. I can be brutally honest about Facebook. I hate it. It represents to me everything that's wrong in my life. I am totally paranoid.

Why does he check out friends on Bunny's page?
Why does he not have me as his friend?
Why does he check out what some girl from his school looks like, about 15 times?
(All there on the History page)

Why does he say he's 30, when he's 31? (his answer to this is "it's so I can take a year to be used to my real age." Pathetic. How does that make me feel when I'm 40 next year? Are we really just not right anymore? If so, let's not waste time. We can do this amicably - no more pretending things are going to get better. They are getting worse.

I hate the internet age. It's awful. It's made me a paranoid, insecure WRECK. A fucking schizophrenic.

I asked him "what am i supposed to think when you don't even come near me anymore?"
He replied, "well we're going through a bad time."

I'd rather he owned up. Just be honest and say he's curious to check out these women, you know what they look like? Are they fanciable?

He gets so ANGRY if I try to bring these subjects up. Tries to make out I'm an idiot and it makes me "unattractive" and "pushes him away even more".

And something else happened which I can't even write here to you efriend. I think he lied to me about something during his tirade that I'm imagining all this.

Instinct and I are old friends - it's never let me down - EVER. I trust that more than him at this raw stage.