Getting cold feet about egg freezing after hearing it's painful. I have a terrifically low pain threshold - when giving birth I had gas & air, a diamorphine injection and an epidural that was kept topped up for 18 hours.
The appointment is for next Friday. I've told the Prince, desperate he would scoop me up in his big warm arms and say "oh my darling you don't have to do it - cancel it. It's stupid. I know how much this means to you now and your happiness is so important to me. Let's get married and start afresh."
Instead, this was the reaction.....
"Oh."
Thing is, I know if he sits back and watches me go to Birmingham it's him basically saying he's not giving two fucking figs for this union. His only concern is his relationship with Rosie. He's a fantastic father, a great flatmate, a lousy lover/husband.
Christmas was good. The rope's getting looser now and the bubble's wobbling again. Just have to make it through January then I can start on selling the flat. Stay strong Indigo - not long to go.
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Lesbian friend
Since the emergence of the dreaded Facebook, a few old acquaintances have crept back into my life. One of them is a DJ I used to work with in the home counties. She's a lesbian and over the last decade has moved from the south coast to London.
And it's been fantastic having her around actually, as an ear to bend. In true Londoner fashion, we haven't as yet met up. I don't think I've seen her for 10/11 years but we're talking almost every day as if we're major buddyroos.
She's a big shot DJ on a national station and has verbal diarrhoea (i know that's spelt wrong but again who cares).
Recently I asked her:
"What is it about you and straight women? you always seem to end up going out with them?" and she said of every group of say 10 girls there'll be around three up for trying some kind of lesbian combo.
Got a brief moment of "am I a big prude?" after burrowing deep into my conciousness to see if there had ever been the most fleeting consideration that I could enjoy sex with a woman only to find there hadn't. I told her.
"I can honestly say I've never thought about it," I said. "The closest I've ever come is fantasising about the Prince with another woman."
She assured me this was normal and we went about our lives.
Then a month ago she rang in a panic. Long story really really short as I just don't have time. She invites her cleaner for a year to trendy party, cleaner dresses up and is noticed by lesbian. Cleaner flirts despite being married with two kids. Husband works for council. Cleaner not even 30. Cleaner now in full on love affair and is infatuated with lesbian and about to leave husband.
Wanted to write this down as I know I'll forget and it's the stuff the world is made of. I'm updated minute by minute via text message. I know that he cried all night long, doesn't suspect a thing, came home wearing a nicotine patch and swearing he'll be a better partner and that she's dying for Christmas to end so the marriage can too.
Then she and Miss Lesbian plan to get married. Miss L is also getting her eggs frozen like me. We're going to do it together. My first appointment is Jan 4th. It's gonna cost me loads travelling to the middle of nowhere once a month.
Miss L wants a baby too you see.
Christmas creeps on. There's no slack in the tightrope right now, which is a good thing while I see out this festive spell where everyone's supposed to be happy and tinkling with sparkly smiley teeth.
The Prince keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Why does he find it so impossible to hear my answer?
And it's been fantastic having her around actually, as an ear to bend. In true Londoner fashion, we haven't as yet met up. I don't think I've seen her for 10/11 years but we're talking almost every day as if we're major buddyroos.
She's a big shot DJ on a national station and has verbal diarrhoea (i know that's spelt wrong but again who cares).
Recently I asked her:
"What is it about you and straight women? you always seem to end up going out with them?" and she said of every group of say 10 girls there'll be around three up for trying some kind of lesbian combo.
Got a brief moment of "am I a big prude?" after burrowing deep into my conciousness to see if there had ever been the most fleeting consideration that I could enjoy sex with a woman only to find there hadn't. I told her.
"I can honestly say I've never thought about it," I said. "The closest I've ever come is fantasising about the Prince with another woman."
She assured me this was normal and we went about our lives.
Then a month ago she rang in a panic. Long story really really short as I just don't have time. She invites her cleaner for a year to trendy party, cleaner dresses up and is noticed by lesbian. Cleaner flirts despite being married with two kids. Husband works for council. Cleaner not even 30. Cleaner now in full on love affair and is infatuated with lesbian and about to leave husband.
Wanted to write this down as I know I'll forget and it's the stuff the world is made of. I'm updated minute by minute via text message. I know that he cried all night long, doesn't suspect a thing, came home wearing a nicotine patch and swearing he'll be a better partner and that she's dying for Christmas to end so the marriage can too.
Then she and Miss Lesbian plan to get married. Miss L is also getting her eggs frozen like me. We're going to do it together. My first appointment is Jan 4th. It's gonna cost me loads travelling to the middle of nowhere once a month.
Miss L wants a baby too you see.
Christmas creeps on. There's no slack in the tightrope right now, which is a good thing while I see out this festive spell where everyone's supposed to be happy and tinkling with sparkly smiley teeth.
The Prince keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Why does he find it so impossible to hear my answer?
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Global warming does my head in
Feeling really confused about global warming and just don't know who to believe anymore. On one side there's a bunch of eminent scientists (a lot of them) saying we are all doomed unless we switch off standby lights; on the other there are another lot of scientists saying humans are arrogant to think we can reverse this natural occurrence.
My mother is firmly of the first opinion. But it's depressing how gloomy she gets. I refuse to lie in bed awake at night in anxiety over melting ice caps or sit in a sleeping bag wearing a fleecey hat while I watch TV in the evenings (ok that's not her either but I do know of someone who does that).
Equally I do my bit. I turn off the standby lights I can get away with without annoying the Prince. I wear cardigans and turn the heating down (sometimes). I do recycling to help prevent toxic landfill sites and use trains most of the time.
The Prince tells me I'm wasting my time and energy doing this. He says there's nothing we can do and I ignore him. But I'm so torn.
Who does one believe? The great mass of opinion on the IPCC panel that says we can slow this thing down and to ignore other views because they come from the right wing oil lobby? OR, the scientists who say the IPCC is a self-serving industry and has to keep its environmental grants flooding in (scuse pun).
Poor mum got a hot flush while we were discussing this yesterday because I got a bit cross when she said she'd been worrying about ice caps. I said she was resistent to hearing different arguments that contradicted her fixed view.
I do think she has a point in that some people use this other argument to justify lazing their pants off and doing sod all to change sloppy habits.
The Prince's mother who lives in southern Spain uses her tumble-dryer every day - even during intense heatwaves when small planes fly overhead trying to put out forest fires. There goes the drum - round and round, generating its own little heatwave in her laundry room.
Anyway, I don't much care for her anymore. But that's another story.
My mother is firmly of the first opinion. But it's depressing how gloomy she gets. I refuse to lie in bed awake at night in anxiety over melting ice caps or sit in a sleeping bag wearing a fleecey hat while I watch TV in the evenings (ok that's not her either but I do know of someone who does that).
Equally I do my bit. I turn off the standby lights I can get away with without annoying the Prince. I wear cardigans and turn the heating down (sometimes). I do recycling to help prevent toxic landfill sites and use trains most of the time.
The Prince tells me I'm wasting my time and energy doing this. He says there's nothing we can do and I ignore him. But I'm so torn.
Who does one believe? The great mass of opinion on the IPCC panel that says we can slow this thing down and to ignore other views because they come from the right wing oil lobby? OR, the scientists who say the IPCC is a self-serving industry and has to keep its environmental grants flooding in (scuse pun).
Poor mum got a hot flush while we were discussing this yesterday because I got a bit cross when she said she'd been worrying about ice caps. I said she was resistent to hearing different arguments that contradicted her fixed view.
I do think she has a point in that some people use this other argument to justify lazing their pants off and doing sod all to change sloppy habits.
The Prince's mother who lives in southern Spain uses her tumble-dryer every day - even during intense heatwaves when small planes fly overhead trying to put out forest fires. There goes the drum - round and round, generating its own little heatwave in her laundry room.
Anyway, I don't much care for her anymore. But that's another story.
Friday, 7 December 2007
Exclamation marks rock... Not
I think Facebook has more drawbacks than benefits. The Prince is playing about 50 games of scrabble with people scattered all over the world. That's one of the good aspects but sometimes that gets blasted out the way by the vanity it breeds, mainly among 20-somethings.
They're constantly updating their status with exhaustingly boring statements like "Tracey is hungover" or "Mark is angry with his flatmates for logging into his Facebook page and changing his status" or "Crystal took meths - it was wicked man innit".
Plus they have to pepper their posts with exclamation marks !!! - like everywhere !!!!!! - as if they spice it all up !!!!! and make dull lives really exciting!!!!!! and cool !!!!!!!!!
Plus they constantly post new and shockingly vain photos of themselves, pouting and staring into spotlights so their eyes look bright.
Plus the fact you can't remove people from you "Friends" list without them knowing is a problem.
FB whinge over.
Life rolls along a tightrope in a bubble of ok'ness, not happiness, but bearability. Very often the bubble veers off course when an external influence pokes it from one side or other. Then the Prince and I land with a bump at rock bottom again.
The Nintendo Wii has bought a slight semblance of fun back into our lives. But it's all surface stuff. Deep down there are fires still raging.
It would be so good to know how long the rope is and when there might be some clarity. The clouds move in so fast and murky the vision.
Rosie's in the nativity play later (she's an angel again) and then it's Bluewater to Santa's grotto and a burger in Ed's Diner. Classy, me.
They're constantly updating their status with exhaustingly boring statements like "Tracey is hungover" or "Mark is angry with his flatmates for logging into his Facebook page and changing his status" or "Crystal took meths - it was wicked man innit".
Plus they have to pepper their posts with exclamation marks !!! - like everywhere !!!!!! - as if they spice it all up !!!!! and make dull lives really exciting!!!!!! and cool !!!!!!!!!
Plus they constantly post new and shockingly vain photos of themselves, pouting and staring into spotlights so their eyes look bright.
Plus the fact you can't remove people from you "Friends" list without them knowing is a problem.
FB whinge over.
Life rolls along a tightrope in a bubble of ok'ness, not happiness, but bearability. Very often the bubble veers off course when an external influence pokes it from one side or other. Then the Prince and I land with a bump at rock bottom again.
The Nintendo Wii has bought a slight semblance of fun back into our lives. But it's all surface stuff. Deep down there are fires still raging.
It would be so good to know how long the rope is and when there might be some clarity. The clouds move in so fast and murky the vision.
Rosie's in the nativity play later (she's an angel again) and then it's Bluewater to Santa's grotto and a burger in Ed's Diner. Classy, me.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Funny old life
Poor neglected e-friend, so sorry to you and to November for keeping you out of the loop.
Things have moved at a rapid pace. There I was flat-hunting in Teddington, phoning local schools, telling all my friends, reading Rosie books about divorce in the library and trying to hide big fat tears plopping off my chin .... all of a sudden things took a new turn.
It happened one morning... coincidentally after he'd gone out with a mutual friend of ours for a heart to heart. The next day there were flowers waiting for me by the kettle at 6am. Chocolates too. And hugs.
Almost every day now he'll phone to say he'll pick up Rosie from school or give me warning if he can't. He's booked annual leave for her nativity play and another day off to meet her new teacher. He makes the dinner almost every evening and cleans up. He does "the bedtime"' every night and is much more attentive to Rosie.
I think finally he woke up to what he was about to lose, and the fear of losing Rosie has made him realise he has to treat me right too.
We're not really having sex much but that's mostly because I've been so tired. Tired of the emotions and my demanding new job. But he's trying and that makes me feel better. He's stopped his Facebook flirting and I am feeling more secure and appreciated.... thus happier.
When I first saw the flowers I thought "TOO LATE MATE". Something had shifted in my head.. it had to. How else can you mean what you say if you don't make that mental move? I truly thought I couldn't go back. But it feels as if the bad times have melted away. And it's the feeling of feeling loved that's done it.
We're not out of the woods yet. No siree. If he's still not budging on the baby front by February, I'll think again and I am still going to get the eggs frozen but in January, when the job won't be so intense.
But this thing has become so much more than just about a baby. It's about mutual love/affection/respect and appreciation. If you don't have those elements in a relationship you are doomed.
Two months ago I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him, let alone go on holiday with him. I had mapped a future without him and was moving at breakneck speed. Now I'm back in my cosy life and it's as if none of that happened.
Things are coasting. We both got a wake up call. Now I actively want to go away on holiday with him. It's nice just living in the moment.
Hope it lasts.
Things have moved at a rapid pace. There I was flat-hunting in Teddington, phoning local schools, telling all my friends, reading Rosie books about divorce in the library and trying to hide big fat tears plopping off my chin .... all of a sudden things took a new turn.
It happened one morning... coincidentally after he'd gone out with a mutual friend of ours for a heart to heart. The next day there were flowers waiting for me by the kettle at 6am. Chocolates too. And hugs.
Almost every day now he'll phone to say he'll pick up Rosie from school or give me warning if he can't. He's booked annual leave for her nativity play and another day off to meet her new teacher. He makes the dinner almost every evening and cleans up. He does "the bedtime"' every night and is much more attentive to Rosie.
I think finally he woke up to what he was about to lose, and the fear of losing Rosie has made him realise he has to treat me right too.
We're not really having sex much but that's mostly because I've been so tired. Tired of the emotions and my demanding new job. But he's trying and that makes me feel better. He's stopped his Facebook flirting and I am feeling more secure and appreciated.... thus happier.
When I first saw the flowers I thought "TOO LATE MATE". Something had shifted in my head.. it had to. How else can you mean what you say if you don't make that mental move? I truly thought I couldn't go back. But it feels as if the bad times have melted away. And it's the feeling of feeling loved that's done it.
We're not out of the woods yet. No siree. If he's still not budging on the baby front by February, I'll think again and I am still going to get the eggs frozen but in January, when the job won't be so intense.
But this thing has become so much more than just about a baby. It's about mutual love/affection/respect and appreciation. If you don't have those elements in a relationship you are doomed.
Two months ago I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him, let alone go on holiday with him. I had mapped a future without him and was moving at breakneck speed. Now I'm back in my cosy life and it's as if none of that happened.
Things are coasting. We both got a wake up call. Now I actively want to go away on holiday with him. It's nice just living in the moment.
Hope it lasts.
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