Centipedes

He’s not listening to me… again. I’d get more out of a conversation with a snail at the end of the garden. At least they’re only glued to the wall, not the television. In fact watching garden creatures has never been so appealing.

A centipede scurrying about the soil is far more attractive than the Prince picking his nose to oblivion. At this time of heightened awareness of all that’s negative about him, his daily nose pick has taken on new meaning.

To me, it is him chest-banging and saying, “I am a man and proud of my disgusting habits. I stand firm by this daily ritual you find so repulsive. It is a part of me, always has been, always will be and never shall it be cast away by any woman.”

Before I met the Prince, if I saw a man picking his nose it was usually a bloke in a traffic jam who didn’t know he'd been spotted. I found this so revolting it made me nauseous. It was worse than long, curly fingernails. Worse than old food stuck in someone’s beard. Worse than stinky bums or cheesy ear wax.

Yet here I am virtually married to someone who happily does this every day… and in front of my friends. He doesn’t just put his finger up his nostril and scrape. He also rolls his pickings between his finger and thumb and flicks it onto the floor. This whole episode lasts around five minutes every day. I just try and meditate or avert my eyes. I put it down to his neglected childhood – that helps.

So today a friend asked how it was going on the baby front. I didn't tell her I am full of resentment and starting to hate him with each passing day. Instead I mentioned my “deceive to conceive” idea and she asked how it would work. Not wanting to go into too much detail – mainly because I haven’t quite worked it out myself yet – I told her about the turkey baster.

“Doesn’t sperm lose its potency if it’s exposed to air?” she asked. That is something I don’t know so when I’ve finished writing this am going online to research it. That will keep the little lady busy and the Prince can watch all his recorded news shows in uninterrupted bliss and give the Pause button a break.