Back to busy

In a fortnight Rosie will be five years old.

Nat and I went to Italy ski ing to try and patch things together. The air kept the yo yo up - then we went to Venice (for my 40th birthday, coming up, oh yes) and I that pesky B word burst out.

I'd tried SO hard to keep it shut inside and live for the moment, remember how privileged and lucky I am. But when the gloom comes how do you crack your way out? A thick grey fog that clouds logical thinking.

On the boat back to the airport it spilled forth. I told him I can not go on with him anymore unless I can get an idea of WHEN "there's nothing I want more than a sister or brother for Rosie" might actually be true.

He said not a word and when we got back to London I thought of a new tactic. Actually, it was Fleur who suggested it. I'm distancing myself to see if he'll notice. I have a new list.

- Get fit (contemplating Race for Life)
- Give up alcohol
- Swim more
- Eat healthier foods (Nat's on later shifts which means I don't have to do dinner all the time)
- See more friends
- Join a timebank project (visit lonely old people etc)

Surprisingly the fog lifted when we got back to busy, the place where we can push the lot back under the rug.

Today though Rosie and I went to visit Nat's elderly grandfather in Camberwell. He is such a sweet man - has Alzheimers so forgets a lot.

But he remembered loads about the war and repeated the story of being shot down, put in a prisoner of war camp and escaping several times. Today I learned he only gave up his escape attempts when Hitler said escapees would be shot.

He once wrote a book about it called "A Crowd Is Not Company". I read it years ago and it's great.

Felt honoured he could remember it to tell it to me himself. Bye bloggo. Keep you posted.