Job's calmed down so can keep daily diary, though it's still a fairly negative old write. At this week's therapy I said:
"I think he feels he's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons but can't admit it. I feel he wants to get out of the relationship and hang out with people his own age - have a bit of freedom. Basically, I think the age gap is a problem. We want different things."
HER: "Age doesn't matter if you want the same things." (no shit sherlock)
ME: "But we don't want the same things - he doesn't want domesticity/babies and a big family and I think it has a lot to do with the fact his friends in Chelsea are still single, go clubbing and are not having babies."
HER: (to him) "And what do you say to that?"
HIM: "It's not true. I do not want to leave the relationship. It sounds more like she does." (did he only just clock?)
ME: "Are you happy with the way things are?"
HIM: "Things have gone a bit bad since we started this thing (the counselling)"
HER: (to me) "And how do you feel about that?"
ME: "Just want an answer - need to know where this is all heading. Feel only he can provide that."
HER: (to him) "And how do you feel about that?"
HIM: "Well I don't know what more I can do..."
HER: (to me) "And how do you feel about that?"
ME: "Show me some loving?"
HER: (to him) "And what do you say to that?"
HIM: "It's hard to love someone who's so angry all the time."
ME THINKING: "Vicious circle - anger comes from no talk/no commitment - no talk/no commitment gets stronger with each angry outburst"
ME: "I just want us to be happy - and if we can't be happy together let's move on... so we can be happy elsewhere. Why flog a dead horse?"
HER: "He's made an effort with finding a holiday and making dinner to eat at the table hasn't he?"
ME: "Yes and I appreciate that." (I do - it's something, even though a part of me says why mess around with peripheries at this crisis stage?).
HER: "Time's up."
Write cheque for £60. Awkward atmos as we shuffle about getting our coats and say goodbye to this stranger. Drive back in silence through Greenwich Park, me pillion on Nat's new Vespa.
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Birmingham... mmmm
Am going ahead with the egg freezing. It's going to cost £3,000 in all. I'll have to take out a loan. I spoke to a doctor there today. She said I've absolutely no time to waste - that I'm positively ancient.
"If you were 23 there'd hardly be any difference in your fertility in a year. When you're 39 it's rapidly going downhill. Women aged 39 and 40 who get pregnant have a 40% chance of miscarriage. The odds that one of your eggs will have a deformity are so high - that's why so many women miscarry. Even if we extract eggs from you there's no guarantee the eggs will be of sufficient quality anyway.
"It's the opposite for men," she continued. "They can go on making babies way into their sixties. It's terribly unfair."
Great.
Asked to think about it and she recommended not taking too much time. So I figured to hell with it. I'm taking action. I'm grabbing the bull and going for it.
Now I'm waiting for some tubes to arrive to take to my local nurse on day four of my period. She will take my blood and I have to take it to the post office and send it back next day guaranteed delivery. This is the "Ovarian Reserve test", which should tell them whether or not it's worth bothering with me... or whether I'm even too much of an old maid for this.This bit alone costs £250.
Then - Harley Street for scans and consultations. Most of it can be done in London. A week later my test results come back and if my ovaries are in shape (ie, not frazzled and old) I have to administer hormone injections to stimulate egg growth (if my ovaries are really past it I'll have to have quite a lot of this drug and it's really expensive). Then I'll have to go to Birmingham (that's the worst bit) for another consultation and scan. She was ever so negative about my age.
The egg collection itself will be an outpatient's procedure in Birmingham and can be done in a day if someone drives me. No general anaesthetic or anything. Yikes.
But as the Prince said the other day "you only live once". I feel my purpose on this earth isn't quite fulfilled yet. There's another purpose dying to pop out - so I'm ensuring it has a chance... one day in the future.
Hey ho. Another day in this mad old life.
"If you were 23 there'd hardly be any difference in your fertility in a year. When you're 39 it's rapidly going downhill. Women aged 39 and 40 who get pregnant have a 40% chance of miscarriage. The odds that one of your eggs will have a deformity are so high - that's why so many women miscarry. Even if we extract eggs from you there's no guarantee the eggs will be of sufficient quality anyway.
"It's the opposite for men," she continued. "They can go on making babies way into their sixties. It's terribly unfair."
Great.
Asked to think about it and she recommended not taking too much time. So I figured to hell with it. I'm taking action. I'm grabbing the bull and going for it.
Now I'm waiting for some tubes to arrive to take to my local nurse on day four of my period. She will take my blood and I have to take it to the post office and send it back next day guaranteed delivery. This is the "Ovarian Reserve test", which should tell them whether or not it's worth bothering with me... or whether I'm even too much of an old maid for this.This bit alone costs £250.
Then - Harley Street for scans and consultations. Most of it can be done in London. A week later my test results come back and if my ovaries are in shape (ie, not frazzled and old) I have to administer hormone injections to stimulate egg growth (if my ovaries are really past it I'll have to have quite a lot of this drug and it's really expensive). Then I'll have to go to Birmingham (that's the worst bit) for another consultation and scan. She was ever so negative about my age.
The egg collection itself will be an outpatient's procedure in Birmingham and can be done in a day if someone drives me. No general anaesthetic or anything. Yikes.
But as the Prince said the other day "you only live once". I feel my purpose on this earth isn't quite fulfilled yet. There's another purpose dying to pop out - so I'm ensuring it has a chance... one day in the future.
Hey ho. Another day in this mad old life.
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