Lesbian friend

Since the emergence of the dreaded Facebook, a few old acquaintances have crept back into my life. One of them is a DJ I used to work with in the home counties. She's a lesbian and over the last decade has moved from the south coast to London.

And it's been fantastic having her around actually, as an ear to bend. In true Londoner fashion, we haven't as yet met up. I don't think I've seen her for 10/11 years but we're talking almost every day as if we're major buddyroos.

She's a big shot DJ on a national station and has verbal diarrhoea (i know that's spelt wrong but again who cares).

Recently I asked her:

"What is it about you and straight women? you always seem to end up going out with them?" and she said of every group of say 10 girls there'll be around three up for trying some kind of lesbian combo.

Got a brief moment of "am I a big prude?" after burrowing deep into my conciousness to see if there had ever been the most fleeting consideration that I could enjoy sex with a woman only to find there hadn't. I told her.

"I can honestly say I've never thought about it," I said. "The closest I've ever come is fantasising about the Prince with another woman."

She assured me this was normal and we went about our lives.

Then a month ago she rang in a panic. Long story really really short as I just don't have time. She invites her cleaner for a year to trendy party, cleaner dresses up and is noticed by lesbian. Cleaner flirts despite being married with two kids. Husband works for council. Cleaner not even 30. Cleaner now in full on love affair and is infatuated with lesbian and about to leave husband.

Wanted to write this down as I know I'll forget and it's the stuff the world is made of. I'm updated minute by minute via text message. I know that he cried all night long, doesn't suspect a thing, came home wearing a nicotine patch and swearing he'll be a better partner and that she's dying for Christmas to end so the marriage can too.

Then she and Miss Lesbian plan to get married. Miss L is also getting her eggs frozen like me. We're going to do it together. My first appointment is Jan 4th. It's gonna cost me loads travelling to the middle of nowhere once a month.

Miss L wants a baby too you see.

Christmas creeps on. There's no slack in the tightrope right now, which is a good thing while I see out this festive spell where everyone's supposed to be happy and tinkling with sparkly smiley teeth.

The Prince keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Why does he find it so impossible to hear my answer?