M25 musings

I have to go.

The M25 is useful for thinking. If he did the driving maybe this clarity wouldn't have come.

On the surface things are okay. But scratch that and we're in deep trouble. I'm 40 (soon). It sounds so old and I should be able to act like a grown up by now.

If I allow this false mentality to roll on for another six years, my chance for more babies will truly be kaput. I fear I'll be so full of resentment I'll have to leave. So why wait?

Well, there's the obvious. Rosie.

But along with the benefits of seeing her daddy every day and having a part-time mother she is also seeing parents who are never affectionate and a frequently tense mummy. I don't want her to grow up like that. But I can't be loving to him while he refuses to acknowledge this. So we live our lives like this - it's not even on a tightrope anymore, it's just on the edge of a big darkness.

It really will be the hardest thing but I can not enter old age with a man who only lives in a surface reality and can't talk about anything that makes him remotely awkward.

The time is coming. I have to do this. I will use a kitten as a sop to Rosie. Best for her that she doesn't grow up with a mother full of bitterness.

I have to remain focused, detached and not cry.